I always feel like an outsider. Is this because I was in a different school almost every year of my life until middle school, because I was moved from city to city, house to house, state to state from the early part of my life? I never feel like I belong and it causes an amazing amount of stress and sadness too. As I get older I am less tolerant of crowds, noise and chaos, that might be the norm, but it makes functioning in this world really tough. It makes working in a public place really unbearable.
I am viewed, inaccurately, as an extrovert. I am not. If I could be alone for extended hours each day I would be calmer, happier and balanced. This is not the case and I plod on, feeling fraudulent and phony for putting the "face"on and being untrue to myself. Why am I broadcasting this? The heavens only know. I am trying to release some of the stress by letting it through my writing. Is it too much, will I "publish" this? Will others be allowed to read this? What will anyone think? Its rather pathetic and while I need help with the turmoil I go through, it isn't something I want everyone to know.
I am on job number two within a year and in both jobs I worked and am working around nice folks who have a real history, a real bond, who socialize with each other, who care about each other and while they don't mean to be exclusive, they are. It is my lesson I suppose, but it hurts to feel like the little child who entered a new classroom at least once a year to staring and sometimes unfriendly eyes. It feels like the lunchroom scenario, it feels like the social scene making plans for the weekend that I was never asked to join, it feels like any attempt is feeble and not worthwhile because rejection has been too much a part of what is probably interpreted as desperation.I think others see, feel or know how uncomfortable I am in this world. The more I fake it the more exhausted I get and I am probably not hiding it anymore, or hiding it the way I think I once was.
I look for and toward that one person to bond with in the workplace when I am new, to balance with, to feel comfortable with and yet I am alone. Is everyone so healthy and focused that they move about with such autonomy and confidence, not understanding from the outside how hard it is to be "new"? There is no one to show you, tell you, teach you, you simply just "do." This scenario happened the last time, I was thrown into a self learning environment, everyone else was very or too busy to really help, I muddled through, again, lonely. I watched while laughter and conversations around me began and ended, plans were made for after- work- fun along with dialogue I could not participate in, only listen, feeling more lonely and more isolated. These folks meant no harm, one did, but...,they just knew this was the culture of their office. The culture and tone was set by their supervisors or owners. If you were privileged enough, funny enough, confident enough to fit in, life was golden, if you lacked, you'd be fired...and that is what happened. I am again in a similar but far more innocent scenario, am not likely to be fired but am extremely uncomfortable and sad each time I walk in the door. I know I don't fit in.
My discomfort and anxiety come from within me. I am not sure what I can do to alleviate this that resides in me, the turmoil and loneliness that is almost like an organ, permanently pumping, changing, metabolizing, inside me as if it belongs there...as if I was born with it, as if it is as natural as breathing. Im wrapping this up I will leave with my signature ending, a conclusion, an answer to the problem at hand on a basic level. Perhaps not the answer for me but one we need to think about.
-what it feels like to be new in any situation
-educating, training and empowering others to be the best they can be, even better than ourselves
IF I RULED THE WORLD...this would not happen to anyone. The workplace would be a safe place. When a new person entered into the arena someone positive, empathic, knowledgeable and warm would be chosen to train them and show them the ropes for a specific time frame based on a variety of criteria, one on one conversing together about the workplace, expectations, the history, the future direction, how to succeed in a specific environment... where to hang your hat, eat your lunch, the bathroom, and how to do your job really well. Training is so much more than handing someone a manual, filling out an I9, explaining where the time clock is and saying good luck we'll be around if you need us.Training includes helping someone maneuver around the culture of the office, helping them find their way. It takes sensitivity and understanding, along with superior communication and listening skills to understand what people need. The culture of the office must be welcoming and open, it must be taken into account that years of history between folks can be either viewed as something stable and enduring or stagnant, rigid and almost privileged-though unintentional in one of my job environments, and not the other. Hiring is expensive, training is as well. However it is more expensive to continuously hire and train and blame the situation on the employee versus really offering an exemplary training situation.
